The next day, NervousMan walked along the city street to the bus stop looking down, frowning, and thinking about his thoughts.
For a few lost moments, NervousMan watched the sidewalk move evenly under his feet. Then, over and over, he had an image of himself walking along the sidewalk staring wide-eyed at the ground, and he imagined that he looked peculiar to those around him.
At this point, he would come to, and would look up at the people passing by around him.
Sometimes, people would look at NervousMan and NervousMan would wonder what they were thinking.
Othertimes NervousMan would just look at other people.
He wondered if the people around him had dreams too, and if those dreams were like his.
NervousMan had been reading his book from the library and it talked about dreams.
In fact, it seemed to be saying, amongst many other things, that life itself was just a dream.
This notion seemed to remind NervousMan about a dreamy song about a boat he once heard in his childhood, but he could not remember what it was.
"Life is but a dream", thought NervousMan.
Life is but a dream.
NervousMan's frown softened slightly and he turned a corner. Crossing the street, coming toward him, he saw a young Asian couple, each not older than 25, striding toward him.
"In love," NervousMan thought, and then NervousMan froze, not wanting to run into them as they passed by, smiling to each other and not noticing NervousMan at all.
From behind him, NervousMan heard the couple giggle to themselves.
Above NervousMan's head he watched a large yellow and black butterfly fluttering wildly to stay afloat.
NervousMan's eyes widened, and without thinking, he smiled.
The pretty butterfly flitted over NervousMan's head, dipping slightly over him, and then disappeared into some tree branches way up above his head.
NervousMan glanced over and saw a man watching him from a car that was waiting for the light to change. The man smiled at NervousMan. He must have been watching NervousMan look at the butterfly. After a moment, the light changed and the man, still smiling, drove on.
Lately, NervousMan had been noticing many people walking hand in hand and smiling happily, glad to be together with each other. Perhaps, they were glad to be alive.
More and more, it seemed, NervousMan had been noticing... pleasant things.
NervousMan wondered if perhaps he was feeling better, in general, because he felt happy for the happy people, instead of being left out of their happiness. Maybe things were like the book said, that everything he saw around him was his own dream. A 'projection' of himself, in a dream.
If NervousMan felt less nervous, then he noticed pleasant things. Or perhaps it was his noticing pleasant things that made NervousMan less nervous.
But maybe it was both... like a circle. One thing causing the other.
Hmmmm. Maybe there was something dream-like to it. Maybe NervousMan was walking around in a dream, really.
If that were true, then everything around him, including the happy couples, and Ned and Jenny and well, even the mean neighbor, and the man in the car, ALL of them WERE part of NervousMan, and NervousMan was part of them. It was all the same dream.
Meanness, nervousness, niceness, pleasantness, even nastiness... they were all part of the dream too. Just in the way that the dragon, which NervousMan was hiding from in his dream the other night, that was part of NervousMan's dream.
A dream within a dream.
Cars honked around NervousMan and from blocks away he could hear the sound of construction going on. A truck roared past him on the city street and NervousMan could smell the exhaust and it burned his sinuses. NervousMan looked up and saw a huge crane above his head that was colored yellow. Part of the crane, a very long part, jutted off-balance out into the pale blue sky, several stories high.
NervousMan frowned and wondered why it did not fall over.
NervousMan walked on thinking back again to his dream from the other night.
How, NervousMan thought, could part of a dream, like the dragon, hide from another part of the dream, which was him him, in the dream? How could that be? Why didn't the dragon just "know" where NervousMan was, in the dream, if he and the dragon were coming from the same mind?
How could one part of the mind, fear another part of the mind?
And if all this were a dream, thought NervousMan, looking around at the people passing him left and right, the buildings, the cars, the trucks, the sidewalk... how could anything hide from anything else?
How could it be that this ... 'dream' ... didn't just 'know' everything else in the dream that he saw around him?
Perhaps, that was the level called 'God', thought NervousMan. The part of the dream that dreamt the dream, and that knew everything in it.
Maybe... 'God' was dreaming. Dreaming... all this.
NervousMan walked on watching cars pass him on the street. At any moment, thought NervousMan, any of the cars, for all he knew, could come up over the curb and squash NervousMan flat.
NervousMan frowned.
"Someday", thought NervousMan, "I will die". That is a truth.
NervousMan stopped walking.
"When that happens, will I just... go to sleep? Or will I wake up?"
Was NervousMan the God of his own dream??
NervousMan stood in the middle of the sidewalk, thinking and looking down at the ground and rubbing his chin lightly, his eyes very far away.
People passed NervousMan on the street, some glancing very briefly at him, a bit nervously, as they passed on... lost in their own worlds as they chatted on their cellphones and listened to their iPods or thought their own thoughts.
NervousMan looked up, and watched them pass by.
And after a moment or two, he walked on too.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Sunday, September 2, 2007
NervousMan, in the Theater
NervousMan found himself in a dark theater of vast size.
NervousMan could feel the soft lush material of the seat pressing against his back through his clothing and his hands gripped the solid armrests of the seat he was in.
The light of the screen streamed forth from the projecter in white dancing beams that pierced the darkness of the theater.
NervousMan realized that he was looking at his own face, as if he were a floating: an unseen observer in the theater observing himself observing the screen.
He was both! The person looking at the screen, and the person looking at the person looking at the screen.
How could this be, thought NervousMan?
And then NervousMan remembered that he was still dreaming.
NervousMan's point of view changed again in the dream and now he saw things as if he were in the projection booth.
Now, he was observing two 'NervousMan's', the one seated and watching the screen and another floating about the theater and observing the first NervousMan watching the movie on the screen.
From his vantage point in the projection booth, NervousMan looked up at the screen in the theater.
The film onscreen showed NervousMan in the projection booth watching the other two NervousMan's in the theater, as if the camera were just over the projection-booth NervousMan's shoulder and was then projecting what it saw onto the screen.
NervousMan, in the projection booth, watched the projection-booth NervousMan on the screen of the theater. NervousMan waved his arm and the NervousMan onscreen waved back.
NervousMan blinked and the shot onscreen changed. NervousMan saw his own face, in close up on the huge screen. He looked up and the screen-NervousMan regarded the projection booth NervousMan as if looking into an enormous projected mirror.
"What if I were in the theater?" thought NervousMan. And suddenly, he was. Feeling the seat against his back, and the hard armrests under his arms, looking up at the scene onscreen.
"What if I were floating and watching myself?" thought NervousMan. And suddenly, he was. Floating just inches away from his seated self which looked at the screen as if swimming underwater in a medium he could breathe.
NervousMan floated up, up, up toward the ceiling of the theater his arms waving about in the darkness, his body glided through the light of the projecter.
NervousMan could see his tiny self way below him, the only one in the theater, a tiny figure seated there watching the screen.
NervousMan smiled. NervousMan was up very high.
"What if I fell?" NervousMan thought suddenly.
And then NervousMan woke up.
NervousMan could feel the soft lush material of the seat pressing against his back through his clothing and his hands gripped the solid armrests of the seat he was in.
The light of the screen streamed forth from the projecter in white dancing beams that pierced the darkness of the theater.
NervousMan realized that he was looking at his own face, as if he were a floating: an unseen observer in the theater observing himself observing the screen.
He was both! The person looking at the screen, and the person looking at the person looking at the screen.
How could this be, thought NervousMan?
And then NervousMan remembered that he was still dreaming.
NervousMan's point of view changed again in the dream and now he saw things as if he were in the projection booth.
Now, he was observing two 'NervousMan's', the one seated and watching the screen and another floating about the theater and observing the first NervousMan watching the movie on the screen.
From his vantage point in the projection booth, NervousMan looked up at the screen in the theater.
The film onscreen showed NervousMan in the projection booth watching the other two NervousMan's in the theater, as if the camera were just over the projection-booth NervousMan's shoulder and was then projecting what it saw onto the screen.
NervousMan, in the projection booth, watched the projection-booth NervousMan on the screen of the theater. NervousMan waved his arm and the NervousMan onscreen waved back.
NervousMan blinked and the shot onscreen changed. NervousMan saw his own face, in close up on the huge screen. He looked up and the screen-NervousMan regarded the projection booth NervousMan as if looking into an enormous projected mirror.
"What if I were in the theater?" thought NervousMan. And suddenly, he was. Feeling the seat against his back, and the hard armrests under his arms, looking up at the scene onscreen.
"What if I were floating and watching myself?" thought NervousMan. And suddenly, he was. Floating just inches away from his seated self which looked at the screen as if swimming underwater in a medium he could breathe.
NervousMan floated up, up, up toward the ceiling of the theater his arms waving about in the darkness, his body glided through the light of the projecter.
NervousMan could see his tiny self way below him, the only one in the theater, a tiny figure seated there watching the screen.
NervousMan smiled. NervousMan was up very high.
"What if I fell?" NervousMan thought suddenly.
And then NervousMan woke up.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
NervousMan Dreams Dreamy Dreams in the Dark Darkness
Shoulders slumped, and feeling dejected, NervousMan walked back into the darkness of his apartment and sullenly reached behind the blind and closed the glass partition of his window with a soft 'THUMP'.
"I must learn to be more quiet," thought NervousMan.
Being quiet was good. NervousMan enjoyed quiet anyway, because noise made NervousMan nervous. To sit and to be still and to be away from noise and dust and the mean people outside, these things were all good, thought NervousMan.
Very softly, outside his closed window NervousMan could hear the sound of a siren off in the distance.
Perhaps, thought NervousMan, someone somewhere was having an emergency.
Yes, of course, thought NervousMan. Why else would there be a siren if someone, somewhere wasn't in trouble for some reason?
But NervousMan didn't know what these things were. He was glad that, at least for now, he could be quiet and not be in trouble. The way he had got into trouble with the mean neighbor.
NervousMan listened carefully. Outside the window, from somewhere down below, he could hear the mean neighbor talking to someone else. NervousMan thought he heard the words '...shifty-eyed little freak'...' being said.
NervousMan frowned and felt sad.
NervousMan walked around his dark place, quietly, thinking to himself.
Walking past the mirror in the hallway, NervousMan could barely make out the reflection of his own shape.
In a way it was nice, in the dark. Because NervousMan could not see himself, or much of anything else.
NervousMan didn't like to be in the dark all the time, just like NervousMan didn't like to be in the light all the time. Sometimes the light, or the dark, was pleasant, but if the light or the dark continued for too long, it made NervousMan nervous.
Too much of anything made NervousMan nervous.
NervousMan paced a little bit more in the still darkness of his apartment, thinking about his thoughts, and then decided that perhaps he should take a nap.
Even though it was the middle of the day, NervousMan felt tired from being so nervous. Dealing with the mean neighbor had worn him out.
And so NervousMan took off his robe, and got into bed in the dark and pulled the covers up to his chin. He stared off into the silence of his room and after a while he began to dream.
In the dream, NervousMan was still in his apartment but the apartment was much bigger and had many many rooms. The ceiling was very high up almost out of sight, NervousMan saw.
NervousMan had a sense that there were mean people outside of his apartment who were looking for him. If they found him, NervousMan knew, they would be very mean to him indeed.
NervousMan ran from room to room, trying to find a place to hide before the mean people came.
Somewhere in the dream-apartment of many many rooms, NervousMan heard a roar of a great monster. It sounded very very scary and loud and NervousMan was scared and frozen with great fright.
NervousMan peered down a dark hallway in the apartment of his dreams and saw the long scaly green tail of a green dragon disappear into one of the rooms.
The dragon was looking for NervousMan!
"Quickly! quickly! I must find a place to run and hide from this dragon or it will find and eat me!" NervousMan thought.
NervousMan looked down and saw that he was carrying the book 'Your Immortal Reality', which he got from the library, in his hand.
NervousMan blinked.
And then something strange happened.
NervousMan realized that he was dreaming a dream. After all, this was not his apartment. His apartment was only one bedroom and this was many. And there was no such thing as a dragon even though he had just seen one walk into one of the other rooms of his place.
NervousMan looked at the wall in front of him and reached out to touch it.
It seemed solid and it looked real. There was nothing else here to be seen. Then, NervousMan looked at the floor. He noticed the threads in the carpet and he bent down to feel the texture of them with his hand. How real it was. And yet, how could it be if he was dreaming.
NervousMan looked at his hand and it seemed to pulsate and warp in front of his eyes.
Now, he KNEW that what he was seeing was not really real. How could such things be if they were real? NervousMan had to be dreaming.
From far off in the apartment of many rooms, NervousMan heard the howl of the dragon bellow and bray. He imagined the cruel visage of the beast as it turned down a nearby hallway.
NervousMan must run! But to where?
NervousMan was nervous.
When NervousMan stood up he saw graffiti writing on the white wall in front of him.
The words spelled out a phrase that NervousMan had heard somewhere before.
"One Bad Apple Spoils the Whole Damn Bunch"
He was sure that was what it said, but as NervousMan took a second look at the words, they seemed to shimmer and change. NervousMan reached out to the words on the wall.
And then... before NervousMan knew it... everything changed.
"I must learn to be more quiet," thought NervousMan.
Being quiet was good. NervousMan enjoyed quiet anyway, because noise made NervousMan nervous. To sit and to be still and to be away from noise and dust and the mean people outside, these things were all good, thought NervousMan.
Very softly, outside his closed window NervousMan could hear the sound of a siren off in the distance.
Perhaps, thought NervousMan, someone somewhere was having an emergency.
Yes, of course, thought NervousMan. Why else would there be a siren if someone, somewhere wasn't in trouble for some reason?
But NervousMan didn't know what these things were. He was glad that, at least for now, he could be quiet and not be in trouble. The way he had got into trouble with the mean neighbor.
NervousMan listened carefully. Outside the window, from somewhere down below, he could hear the mean neighbor talking to someone else. NervousMan thought he heard the words '...shifty-eyed little freak'...' being said.
NervousMan frowned and felt sad.
NervousMan walked around his dark place, quietly, thinking to himself.
Walking past the mirror in the hallway, NervousMan could barely make out the reflection of his own shape.
In a way it was nice, in the dark. Because NervousMan could not see himself, or much of anything else.
NervousMan didn't like to be in the dark all the time, just like NervousMan didn't like to be in the light all the time. Sometimes the light, or the dark, was pleasant, but if the light or the dark continued for too long, it made NervousMan nervous.
Too much of anything made NervousMan nervous.
NervousMan paced a little bit more in the still darkness of his apartment, thinking about his thoughts, and then decided that perhaps he should take a nap.
Even though it was the middle of the day, NervousMan felt tired from being so nervous. Dealing with the mean neighbor had worn him out.
And so NervousMan took off his robe, and got into bed in the dark and pulled the covers up to his chin. He stared off into the silence of his room and after a while he began to dream.
In the dream, NervousMan was still in his apartment but the apartment was much bigger and had many many rooms. The ceiling was very high up almost out of sight, NervousMan saw.
NervousMan had a sense that there were mean people outside of his apartment who were looking for him. If they found him, NervousMan knew, they would be very mean to him indeed.
NervousMan ran from room to room, trying to find a place to hide before the mean people came.
Somewhere in the dream-apartment of many many rooms, NervousMan heard a roar of a great monster. It sounded very very scary and loud and NervousMan was scared and frozen with great fright.
NervousMan peered down a dark hallway in the apartment of his dreams and saw the long scaly green tail of a green dragon disappear into one of the rooms.
The dragon was looking for NervousMan!
"Quickly! quickly! I must find a place to run and hide from this dragon or it will find and eat me!" NervousMan thought.
NervousMan looked down and saw that he was carrying the book 'Your Immortal Reality', which he got from the library, in his hand.
NervousMan blinked.
And then something strange happened.
NervousMan realized that he was dreaming a dream. After all, this was not his apartment. His apartment was only one bedroom and this was many. And there was no such thing as a dragon even though he had just seen one walk into one of the other rooms of his place.
NervousMan looked at the wall in front of him and reached out to touch it.
It seemed solid and it looked real. There was nothing else here to be seen. Then, NervousMan looked at the floor. He noticed the threads in the carpet and he bent down to feel the texture of them with his hand. How real it was. And yet, how could it be if he was dreaming.
NervousMan looked at his hand and it seemed to pulsate and warp in front of his eyes.
Now, he KNEW that what he was seeing was not really real. How could such things be if they were real? NervousMan had to be dreaming.
From far off in the apartment of many rooms, NervousMan heard the howl of the dragon bellow and bray. He imagined the cruel visage of the beast as it turned down a nearby hallway.
NervousMan must run! But to where?
NervousMan was nervous.
When NervousMan stood up he saw graffiti writing on the white wall in front of him.
The words spelled out a phrase that NervousMan had heard somewhere before.
"One Bad Apple Spoils the Whole Damn Bunch"
He was sure that was what it said, but as NervousMan took a second look at the words, they seemed to shimmer and change. NervousMan reached out to the words on the wall.
And then... before NervousMan knew it... everything changed.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
NervousMan Eats an Apple
NervousMan realized he needed to go to the store and get more items. So many things to do! Go to the store, see Mr. Deedle, cash his check.
NervousMan needed a planner to plan his day.
But where would he write down his plan to get a planner if he didn't have a planner to write it down in?
NervousMan felt nervous.
NervousMan was too nervous to sleep. And NervousMan was hungry. So NervousMan got up from the bed and walked carefully to the kitchen.
"Carefully! Carefully!" NervousMan thought. "So as not to trip on anything I nervously left on the floor!"
Opening the refrigerator NervousMan saw that all he had left inside that he could eat immediately was a half jar of mayonnaise and a red Roman apple. There were other things inside too, but they would require cooking up. And NervousMan was too nervous to do that! He might nervously leave the burner on the stove burning! And then his face would burn up and the fire trucks would come and people would beat NervousMan up!
"I will eat the apple!" thought NervousMan. "That will make me less nervous!"
NervousMan felt the cool skin of the apple in his hand as he shut the refrigerator door carefully and then walked cautiously back to his bed.
"Carefully! Carefully!" thought NervousMan as he made little gasping noises of distress with each step."Or I will trip and fall and hurt myself terribly!"
NervousMan was nervous.
And so NervousMan took his apple and sat on the bed and took a big bite out of it savoring its cool sweetness.
"Mmmmm yummy yummy apple!" said NervousMan aloud his mouth full of apple. "This is mine. This is my apple. My little... red... apple-ly apple". NervousMan smiled and took another bite. "Yummy yummy! Eating the apple!" NervousMan ate more and more and more.
After the apple was nothing more than just a core, NervousMan felt tired and too un-nervous to get up and put it in the garbage. So, NervousMan put the core on his nightstand.
"I will put the apple-ly apple core in the garbage-y garbage laterly later!" NervousMan said to his empty apartment, and chuckled.
"Now I will take a nappy nap!" he said.
Somehow, talking in this silly way made NervousMan less nervous. But what was the harm? There was no one around to make fun of NervousMan for doing so. NervousMan was too nervous to have people in his apartment anyway. He could be silly and do anything he wanted to.
Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door.
"Oh no!" thought NervousMan, suddenly very nervous. "What will I do! I am naked and someone is at the door!"
The knocking happened again, this time more insistent. Someone wanted NervousMan to open the door right away!
"Uhm.... who is it??" said NervousMan, nervously.
From the other side of the door came a mean male voice. "Your downstairs neighbor!" it said.
"Oh no!" thought NervousMan. "What in the world could they want?"
While NervousMan slipped on his bathrobe, the knocking came again.
"I'm... I'm coming!" said NervousMan. "I mean-- I'll be right there!"
"Hurry up, I don't have all day" said the voice.
The neighbor sounded like he must be mean and angry thought NervousMan. But what could NervousMan do? He had to open the door. And he better do it quickly! He didn't even have time to get properly dressed.
NervousMan unlocked his door with a click and then opened it slightly.
"Y-yes?" said NervousMan.
"Yeah. I'm your downstairs neighbor," said the man.
The man looked to be in his 40's and was unshaved. He was wearing dirty jeans and a tshirt that was sleeveless and a bit too small for him. A beer gut poked out from underneath the bottom edge of the tshirt.
"What are you doing?" said the man pointedly. He looked right at NervousMan.
"Uh... what?" said NervousMan.
"You heard me. What are you doing?"
"I uh, I'm taking a nap".
"You're, uh, you're taking a nap," said the man mockingly.
NervousMan felt nervous. Was the man going to beat him up?
"We're sitting outside and you know that even though your blind is drawn, you've got your window open and we can hear everything you're saying down there?"
"OH NO!" Thought NervousMan. Suddenly he was mortified.
NervousMan looked away from the man, his face distressed and anxious and flushed with shame. Then NervousMan looked at the ground.
"Uh... I... I was... uh..." NervousMan said.
"Yeah, you're 'uh... ahhh... uh' alright. Listen you little freak. I don't like the looks of you! Standing there with your eyes darting around in your dirty bathrobe. Talking out your window about being naked and eating 'appley apples' and whatnot. What have you got going on in there?"
The man narrowed his eyes and looked over NervousMan's shoulder into the darkness of NervousMan's apartment.
Unconsciously, NervousMan moved the door a little bit more toward being closed.
"Probably doing some sort of weird sick nasty things in there," said the neighbor, grimacing disgustedly. "Don't let me hear you in here going through your pre-versions you twisted little freak!".
"Oh uh... I was just probably having a dream or something" NervousMan said and looked at his feet.
"Having a dream. Yeah, I'll bet. Sleeping in the middle of the day. When other good and decent hard-working people are at work trying to feed their families. Either way, I don't like the looks of you. So you'd better watch it!"
NervousMan was very nervous!
"Oh--okay. I'll be more careful," said NervousMan.
Maybe if he were nice, the mean man would go away!
"I'm sorry," said NervousMan.
"All right. That's more like it," said the man and walked away shaking his head in disbelief, but not before giving NervousMan a studious and supicious glare.
NervousMan closed the door and gulped.
NervousMan was nervous.
NervousMan needed a planner to plan his day.
But where would he write down his plan to get a planner if he didn't have a planner to write it down in?
NervousMan felt nervous.
NervousMan was too nervous to sleep. And NervousMan was hungry. So NervousMan got up from the bed and walked carefully to the kitchen.
"Carefully! Carefully!" NervousMan thought. "So as not to trip on anything I nervously left on the floor!"
Opening the refrigerator NervousMan saw that all he had left inside that he could eat immediately was a half jar of mayonnaise and a red Roman apple. There were other things inside too, but they would require cooking up. And NervousMan was too nervous to do that! He might nervously leave the burner on the stove burning! And then his face would burn up and the fire trucks would come and people would beat NervousMan up!
"I will eat the apple!" thought NervousMan. "That will make me less nervous!"
NervousMan felt the cool skin of the apple in his hand as he shut the refrigerator door carefully and then walked cautiously back to his bed.
"Carefully! Carefully!" thought NervousMan as he made little gasping noises of distress with each step."Or I will trip and fall and hurt myself terribly!"
NervousMan was nervous.
And so NervousMan took his apple and sat on the bed and took a big bite out of it savoring its cool sweetness.
"Mmmmm yummy yummy apple!" said NervousMan aloud his mouth full of apple. "This is mine. This is my apple. My little... red... apple-ly apple". NervousMan smiled and took another bite. "Yummy yummy! Eating the apple!" NervousMan ate more and more and more.
After the apple was nothing more than just a core, NervousMan felt tired and too un-nervous to get up and put it in the garbage. So, NervousMan put the core on his nightstand.
"I will put the apple-ly apple core in the garbage-y garbage laterly later!" NervousMan said to his empty apartment, and chuckled.
"Now I will take a nappy nap!" he said.
Somehow, talking in this silly way made NervousMan less nervous. But what was the harm? There was no one around to make fun of NervousMan for doing so. NervousMan was too nervous to have people in his apartment anyway. He could be silly and do anything he wanted to.
Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door.
"Oh no!" thought NervousMan, suddenly very nervous. "What will I do! I am naked and someone is at the door!"
The knocking happened again, this time more insistent. Someone wanted NervousMan to open the door right away!
"Uhm.... who is it??" said NervousMan, nervously.
From the other side of the door came a mean male voice. "Your downstairs neighbor!" it said.
"Oh no!" thought NervousMan. "What in the world could they want?"
While NervousMan slipped on his bathrobe, the knocking came again.
"I'm... I'm coming!" said NervousMan. "I mean-- I'll be right there!"
"Hurry up, I don't have all day" said the voice.
The neighbor sounded like he must be mean and angry thought NervousMan. But what could NervousMan do? He had to open the door. And he better do it quickly! He didn't even have time to get properly dressed.
NervousMan unlocked his door with a click and then opened it slightly.
"Y-yes?" said NervousMan.
"Yeah. I'm your downstairs neighbor," said the man.
The man looked to be in his 40's and was unshaved. He was wearing dirty jeans and a tshirt that was sleeveless and a bit too small for him. A beer gut poked out from underneath the bottom edge of the tshirt.
"What are you doing?" said the man pointedly. He looked right at NervousMan.
"Uh... what?" said NervousMan.
"You heard me. What are you doing?"
"I uh, I'm taking a nap".
"You're, uh, you're taking a nap," said the man mockingly.
NervousMan felt nervous. Was the man going to beat him up?
"We're sitting outside and you know that even though your blind is drawn, you've got your window open and we can hear everything you're saying down there?"
"OH NO!" Thought NervousMan. Suddenly he was mortified.
NervousMan looked away from the man, his face distressed and anxious and flushed with shame. Then NervousMan looked at the ground.
"Uh... I... I was... uh..." NervousMan said.
"Yeah, you're 'uh... ahhh... uh' alright. Listen you little freak. I don't like the looks of you! Standing there with your eyes darting around in your dirty bathrobe. Talking out your window about being naked and eating 'appley apples' and whatnot. What have you got going on in there?"
The man narrowed his eyes and looked over NervousMan's shoulder into the darkness of NervousMan's apartment.
Unconsciously, NervousMan moved the door a little bit more toward being closed.
"Probably doing some sort of weird sick nasty things in there," said the neighbor, grimacing disgustedly. "Don't let me hear you in here going through your pre-versions you twisted little freak!".
"Oh uh... I was just probably having a dream or something" NervousMan said and looked at his feet.
"Having a dream. Yeah, I'll bet. Sleeping in the middle of the day. When other good and decent hard-working people are at work trying to feed their families. Either way, I don't like the looks of you. So you'd better watch it!"
NervousMan was very nervous!
"Oh--okay. I'll be more careful," said NervousMan.
Maybe if he were nice, the mean man would go away!
"I'm sorry," said NervousMan.
"All right. That's more like it," said the man and walked away shaking his head in disbelief, but not before giving NervousMan a studious and supicious glare.
NervousMan closed the door and gulped.
NervousMan was nervous.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
NervousMan Gets Naked
NervousMan walked quickly down the hall to his small studio apartment, feet padding over the tiles faster and faster as he neared the door.
"Quickly! Quickly!" NervousMan thought! "Or else someone might see me and my frightful nervousness!"
NervousMan's face grimaced in a harried mask of distress and terror.
NervousMan dropped the book on the ground and with trembling fingers fishing the keys out of his pocket.
He thought of movies where the heroine is pursued by some sort of menacing shape, getting closer and closer and closer until the last minute when...
NervousMan turned the key and bending down to get his book, he pushed his bulk to open the heavy door and rushed inside, slamming the door behind him.
"Oh! Not so loud! Someone might be disturbed! They might complain about me!" he thought to himself. "Then, I will get thrown out of my apartment, and I will be homeless myself! No one will give me potato chips and I'll starve!"
Sweat was already starting to cool on his forehead and his chest heaved mightily. He could feel waves of heat pour off of him.
"So hot!" thought NervousMan.
The hallway inside was dark and cool and quiet. NervousMan started to relax. Just a bit. He was safe. Apparently.
NervousMan ran a shaking hand over his face and breathed deeply.
"Must... breathe... must breathe..." he thought. But I am breathing. I am breathing. He thought to himself.
NervousMan let the book drop to the floor and his shoulders slumped. He took a few steps into his darkened apartment and then looked over to the light switch.
NervousMan took off his shirt. He was very warm. Then he took of his shoes, then his pants. Then walking into the bathroom, he sat down on the closed toilet and and took off his socks.
"I made it... I made it..." NervousMan said to the walls around him.
NervousMan took off his underwear, then got up and walked over to the shower and slid the sliding door back on its tracks so he could get in. The door hit the wall with a THUD.
NervousMan grimaced. He hoped his neighbors didn't complain about him. Maybe someone heard.
NervousMan felt ashamed. Naked and ashamed.
NervousMan got in the shower and turned on the water and forgetting it came out cold, NervousMan jumped. "Oh! I must be careful! I might slip in here!" he thought.
Fear cluched NervousMan's guts like a giant freezing scaly claw.
After a moment, he stepped into the stream cautiously and the water flowed over his naked body and slowly got warmer and warmer until it was fully hot. NervousMan reached over to the knob tentatively and turned the temperature down. The water might scald him!
If it did, he might slip and his leg might break, the bone sticking out of his thigh, he would have to lie helpless in the shower, screaming piteously for help from someone passing by outside.
"Help me! Help me!" he would scream.
They would have to call an ambulance, thought NervousMan, and then they would have to break down the door and the paramedics would see him naked! And for weeks, he would have to walk around with huge blisters all over his body and in a cast. People would laugh at him and call him 'that idiot who slipped in his own shower'.
NervousMan was tired.
Pushing the thoughts of getting scalded by hot water from his mind, NervousMan lathered himself up and washed himself everywhere. His chest, his hair, behind his ears, especially his ears, his face, his stomach... and... down there. All the while being very careful not to slip and fall. NervousMan eyed the handle of the door in case he felt his legs going and he would have to reach out and grab it suddenly.
"This will get me clean. Real clean." thought NervousMan. "I have to go see Mr. Deedle, my Chinese Stepfather, about more money".
NervousMan scrubbed his legs furiously.
After rinsing off NervousMan got out of the shower, stepping onto his lime green bathroom carpet, and dried himself off with his big yellow towel.
Stepping out of the bathroom, he saw himself for a moment in the hallway mirror.
NervousMan walked up to his reflection and looked at his own eyes, examining his pupils. Then, he looked at his own nostrils. Something NervousMan just couldn't do without a mirror.
"I'm naked now. Yes. I'm naked. Yes. I'm naked now". NervousMan said to himself.
NervousMan walked in the living room, passing the picture of his late mother. NervousMan blushed and carefully turned the picture to the wall.
"Good", NervousMan thought, "the blinds are drawn". If they weren't someone might look into NervousMan's window and see him naked and then call the police on him. He would get sued by the person, and then led out under a police blanket completely naked. There would be photographers from the media and he would be on the evening news and called a pervert for all to see!
NervousMan sat on his unmade bed.
"I'm naked now" he said one last time to the dark walls around him.
Looking over to the drawn blinds, NervousMan thought of the poor homeless man somewhere eating his bag of potato chips.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." said NervousMan softly to the blinds.
Then he laid back on his bed, shaking so badly he feared that he might fall off and hurt himself.
"I'm sorry" he said once more, barely above a whisper.
"Quickly! Quickly!" NervousMan thought! "Or else someone might see me and my frightful nervousness!"
NervousMan's face grimaced in a harried mask of distress and terror.
NervousMan dropped the book on the ground and with trembling fingers fishing the keys out of his pocket.
He thought of movies where the heroine is pursued by some sort of menacing shape, getting closer and closer and closer until the last minute when...
NervousMan turned the key and bending down to get his book, he pushed his bulk to open the heavy door and rushed inside, slamming the door behind him.
"Oh! Not so loud! Someone might be disturbed! They might complain about me!" he thought to himself. "Then, I will get thrown out of my apartment, and I will be homeless myself! No one will give me potato chips and I'll starve!"
Sweat was already starting to cool on his forehead and his chest heaved mightily. He could feel waves of heat pour off of him.
"So hot!" thought NervousMan.
The hallway inside was dark and cool and quiet. NervousMan started to relax. Just a bit. He was safe. Apparently.
NervousMan ran a shaking hand over his face and breathed deeply.
"Must... breathe... must breathe..." he thought. But I am breathing. I am breathing. He thought to himself.
NervousMan let the book drop to the floor and his shoulders slumped. He took a few steps into his darkened apartment and then looked over to the light switch.
NervousMan took off his shirt. He was very warm. Then he took of his shoes, then his pants. Then walking into the bathroom, he sat down on the closed toilet and and took off his socks.
"I made it... I made it..." NervousMan said to the walls around him.
NervousMan took off his underwear, then got up and walked over to the shower and slid the sliding door back on its tracks so he could get in. The door hit the wall with a THUD.
NervousMan grimaced. He hoped his neighbors didn't complain about him. Maybe someone heard.
NervousMan felt ashamed. Naked and ashamed.
NervousMan got in the shower and turned on the water and forgetting it came out cold, NervousMan jumped. "Oh! I must be careful! I might slip in here!" he thought.
Fear cluched NervousMan's guts like a giant freezing scaly claw.
After a moment, he stepped into the stream cautiously and the water flowed over his naked body and slowly got warmer and warmer until it was fully hot. NervousMan reached over to the knob tentatively and turned the temperature down. The water might scald him!
If it did, he might slip and his leg might break, the bone sticking out of his thigh, he would have to lie helpless in the shower, screaming piteously for help from someone passing by outside.
"Help me! Help me!" he would scream.
They would have to call an ambulance, thought NervousMan, and then they would have to break down the door and the paramedics would see him naked! And for weeks, he would have to walk around with huge blisters all over his body and in a cast. People would laugh at him and call him 'that idiot who slipped in his own shower'.
NervousMan was tired.
Pushing the thoughts of getting scalded by hot water from his mind, NervousMan lathered himself up and washed himself everywhere. His chest, his hair, behind his ears, especially his ears, his face, his stomach... and... down there. All the while being very careful not to slip and fall. NervousMan eyed the handle of the door in case he felt his legs going and he would have to reach out and grab it suddenly.
"This will get me clean. Real clean." thought NervousMan. "I have to go see Mr. Deedle, my Chinese Stepfather, about more money".
NervousMan scrubbed his legs furiously.
After rinsing off NervousMan got out of the shower, stepping onto his lime green bathroom carpet, and dried himself off with his big yellow towel.
Stepping out of the bathroom, he saw himself for a moment in the hallway mirror.
NervousMan walked up to his reflection and looked at his own eyes, examining his pupils. Then, he looked at his own nostrils. Something NervousMan just couldn't do without a mirror.
"I'm naked now. Yes. I'm naked. Yes. I'm naked now". NervousMan said to himself.
NervousMan walked in the living room, passing the picture of his late mother. NervousMan blushed and carefully turned the picture to the wall.
"Good", NervousMan thought, "the blinds are drawn". If they weren't someone might look into NervousMan's window and see him naked and then call the police on him. He would get sued by the person, and then led out under a police blanket completely naked. There would be photographers from the media and he would be on the evening news and called a pervert for all to see!
NervousMan sat on his unmade bed.
"I'm naked now" he said one last time to the dark walls around him.
Looking over to the drawn blinds, NervousMan thought of the poor homeless man somewhere eating his bag of potato chips.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." said NervousMan softly to the blinds.
Then he laid back on his bed, shaking so badly he feared that he might fall off and hurt himself.
"I'm sorry" he said once more, barely above a whisper.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
NervousMan Tries to Decide Which Way to Go
Things seem to be included in his memory. Like days of sunshine and deep green grass and trees, somewhere far off and away.
"Somewhere," NervousMan thought as he walked away from the park. "Sometime," he thought dreamily.
Like maybe a few minutes ago, he thought.
"Where? Where?" someone said next to him and NervousMan glanced at them. They were talking on a cellphone.
NervousMan walked away from the park, secretly wondering if he shouldn't have stayed a bit longer. The Immortal Reality book was tucked under his arm and he felt its presence there against his side, like a companion.
NervousMan munched chips from the bag in his hands, his eyes focused on some distant place a thousand miles away, somewhere up in the distance, where the sidewalk turns into the street. He was vaguely aware of perhaps not looking so great, someone dressed a bit shabbily walking down a city street, munching on a bag of chips, staring off into space.
NervousMan saw that he happened to be walking past the 59 Club restaurant again. He looked through the plate glass window of the place and saw the mean waiter serving a couple of people at the counter. All three were looking at the menu and the mean waiter was explaining something to them.
The mean waiter glanced up briefly, as if sensing NervousMan staring at him. Ever so imperceptibly, the mean waiter's eyebrows raised, and his head tilted very slightly, as if looking down and up the length of NervousMan. The look lasted only a moment and then the mean waiter turned back to the couple he was talking to.
The word 'critical' flashed through NervousMan's mind. And he frowned.
NervousMan felt strange. NervousMan remembered that he had to cash the check he got from them as a prize. Perhaps tomorrow, NervousMan thought. The thought of going into the bank today made NervousMan nervous. Especially today with so much going on.
NervousMan walked on. After a minute, he saw a man who was sitting on the ground. It was the man he had seen before sitting asleep in the sun in front of the cafe. The man who didn't have anywhere else to sleep.
As NervousMan approached, the man looked up and said to him "Sir, this is really embarassing, but do you have any change you could spare? I'm real hungry," said the man.
NervousMan looked at the man's face looking up at him. His face was half covered by a bushy white beard and his eyes seemed old and sad.
"I don't--," NervousMan began. "Uh... here you can have these chips. I've had enough". NervousMan smiled slightly.
The man's face brightened as if the sun above had come out from behind a cloud and illuminated it.
"Ooooh, God bless you sir, God bless you," the man on the ground said as NervousMan handed him the chips.
NervousMan walked on.
Maybe, thought NervousMan, he could do more. Maybe he could help out people like the man who had nowhere to sleep. Or help carry boxes on Saturdays. What did that woman Jenny say? Between 3 and 4pm. Maybe, thought NervousMan. But I don't want to get nervous.
NervousMan wasn't used to dealing with people. NervousMan was used to being alone. Living in the building that his Chinese stepfather owned was his own private space. Other people made NervousMan nervous.
NervousMan stopped on the sidewalk to think for a moment. Should he go back home, or should he go to the bank? Or back to the park?
NervousMan started to walk to toward the bank, and then stopped and thought, no, perhaps I should go home and take it easy, enough for one day. He reversed his steps and started walking back the way he had came.
He stopped. And then thought he might look peculiar to other people walking back and forth aimlessly on a city street. Maybe it looked like there was something wrong with NervousMan if he did something like that. NervousMan didn't know.
NervousMan glanced around at the people around him. Some of them glanced back, perhaps wondering what NervousMan was looking at, but most were either talking to other people, or listening to their headphones, or talking to someone they already knew on their cellphones.
Some of the other people laughed, even though NervousMan couldn't see where the laughter came from, and NervousMan winced at the laughter, caught by the notion that it was somehow directed at him.
"I will walk home," thought NervousMan finally. "I will go home. That is best".
And that is what NervousMan did.
"Somewhere," NervousMan thought as he walked away from the park. "Sometime," he thought dreamily.
Like maybe a few minutes ago, he thought.
"Where? Where?" someone said next to him and NervousMan glanced at them. They were talking on a cellphone.
NervousMan walked away from the park, secretly wondering if he shouldn't have stayed a bit longer. The Immortal Reality book was tucked under his arm and he felt its presence there against his side, like a companion.
NervousMan munched chips from the bag in his hands, his eyes focused on some distant place a thousand miles away, somewhere up in the distance, where the sidewalk turns into the street. He was vaguely aware of perhaps not looking so great, someone dressed a bit shabbily walking down a city street, munching on a bag of chips, staring off into space.
NervousMan saw that he happened to be walking past the 59 Club restaurant again. He looked through the plate glass window of the place and saw the mean waiter serving a couple of people at the counter. All three were looking at the menu and the mean waiter was explaining something to them.
The mean waiter glanced up briefly, as if sensing NervousMan staring at him. Ever so imperceptibly, the mean waiter's eyebrows raised, and his head tilted very slightly, as if looking down and up the length of NervousMan. The look lasted only a moment and then the mean waiter turned back to the couple he was talking to.
The word 'critical' flashed through NervousMan's mind. And he frowned.
NervousMan felt strange. NervousMan remembered that he had to cash the check he got from them as a prize. Perhaps tomorrow, NervousMan thought. The thought of going into the bank today made NervousMan nervous. Especially today with so much going on.
NervousMan walked on. After a minute, he saw a man who was sitting on the ground. It was the man he had seen before sitting asleep in the sun in front of the cafe. The man who didn't have anywhere else to sleep.
As NervousMan approached, the man looked up and said to him "Sir, this is really embarassing, but do you have any change you could spare? I'm real hungry," said the man.
NervousMan looked at the man's face looking up at him. His face was half covered by a bushy white beard and his eyes seemed old and sad.
"I don't--," NervousMan began. "Uh... here you can have these chips. I've had enough". NervousMan smiled slightly.
The man's face brightened as if the sun above had come out from behind a cloud and illuminated it.
"Ooooh, God bless you sir, God bless you," the man on the ground said as NervousMan handed him the chips.
NervousMan walked on.
Maybe, thought NervousMan, he could do more. Maybe he could help out people like the man who had nowhere to sleep. Or help carry boxes on Saturdays. What did that woman Jenny say? Between 3 and 4pm. Maybe, thought NervousMan. But I don't want to get nervous.
NervousMan wasn't used to dealing with people. NervousMan was used to being alone. Living in the building that his Chinese stepfather owned was his own private space. Other people made NervousMan nervous.
NervousMan stopped on the sidewalk to think for a moment. Should he go back home, or should he go to the bank? Or back to the park?
NervousMan started to walk to toward the bank, and then stopped and thought, no, perhaps I should go home and take it easy, enough for one day. He reversed his steps and started walking back the way he had came.
He stopped. And then thought he might look peculiar to other people walking back and forth aimlessly on a city street. Maybe it looked like there was something wrong with NervousMan if he did something like that. NervousMan didn't know.
NervousMan glanced around at the people around him. Some of them glanced back, perhaps wondering what NervousMan was looking at, but most were either talking to other people, or listening to their headphones, or talking to someone they already knew on their cellphones.
Some of the other people laughed, even though NervousMan couldn't see where the laughter came from, and NervousMan winced at the laughter, caught by the notion that it was somehow directed at him.
"I will walk home," thought NervousMan finally. "I will go home. That is best".
And that is what NervousMan did.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
NervousMan and the Bag of Chips
The men drumming the drum circle in the park came all at once to an ending. A climax of sorts to their playing which concluded with a big group BEAT and then a pause and then laughter from the drummers.
NervousMan opened his eyes and looked around at the lush green trees and the beautiful grass which shined brightly in the clear day's sunshine.
"Ugccchhh!! I hate that beat!" said someone next to NervousMan.
NervousMan felt nervous. He looked over to the seat next to him on the bench. A man had sat down next to him.
"That pounding pounding pounding oh it drives me crazy!"
Why had the man come to the park and sat in front of the music if he did not want to hear it?
"When do they ever play jazz or some classical music? Why not form an ensemble? It seems like all the music nowadays if they ever play it is around a beat. Boom! Boom! Boom!"
NervousMan glanced at the man. His clothes did not seem to fit him and his hands were chapped and red.
"I'm Ned" said the man and offered NervousMan his hand. NervousMan shook it and it felt sweaty and a little cold.
"Nice to meet you," said NervousMan. NervousMan felt nervous. Maybe it wasn't safe to shake the man's hand. But NervousMan wanted to be nice.
NervousMan saw a line of people carrying boxes, over by the concrete steps where the musicians played. The line of people went to a car where there were more people retreiving boxes.
One of the people opened the boxes and started pulling out bright green packages that looked like bags of potato chips. Other boxes looked like they had fruits and vegetables and greens in them.
"Oh good... EATS!" said Ned and got up from the bench and walked as fast as he could over to the boxes. NervousMan noticed that the man had a limp but got around fairly quickly.
NervousMan cautiously got up and stepped slightly closer to the people with the boxes. What was this? What was going on?
A young woman gathered together bags of chips from several boxes, placing them in a larger box on one of the benches. A small group of people waited behind her and then another man appeared and put another box down next to the big box. He opened it up and inside there were carrots that looked like they had just come from the farm.
"Hi" said the woman who stood next to the large box. "I'm Jenny". She offered her hand.
"Hi" said NervousMan and looked down. Then he looked up. Then to the side.
"I was going to ask you if you're homeless but I don't think you are,"
"I have a place," said NervousMan. "I came out today".
NervousMan glanced over at Ned who was going through the boxes and humming a tune to himself. NervousMan felt nervous.
"Well, that's okay," said Jenny and turned back to the box. "Would you like some chips?" She held out a couple green bag of chips to NervousMan and smiled.
"Sure," said NervousMan.
"We're here every Saturday between 3 and 4. Come and join us if you like". Jenny smiled again.
"Okay," NervousMan said. He looked at the chips.
"...or help out if you want," Jenny said and smiled again.
"Okay," said NervousMan again softer and more dreamily. "Help out... help... out" he thought inside.
NervousMan opened his eyes and looked around at the lush green trees and the beautiful grass which shined brightly in the clear day's sunshine.
"Ugccchhh!! I hate that beat!" said someone next to NervousMan.
NervousMan felt nervous. He looked over to the seat next to him on the bench. A man had sat down next to him.
"That pounding pounding pounding oh it drives me crazy!"
Why had the man come to the park and sat in front of the music if he did not want to hear it?
"When do they ever play jazz or some classical music? Why not form an ensemble? It seems like all the music nowadays if they ever play it is around a beat. Boom! Boom! Boom!"
NervousMan glanced at the man. His clothes did not seem to fit him and his hands were chapped and red.
"I'm Ned" said the man and offered NervousMan his hand. NervousMan shook it and it felt sweaty and a little cold.
"Nice to meet you," said NervousMan. NervousMan felt nervous. Maybe it wasn't safe to shake the man's hand. But NervousMan wanted to be nice.
NervousMan saw a line of people carrying boxes, over by the concrete steps where the musicians played. The line of people went to a car where there were more people retreiving boxes.
One of the people opened the boxes and started pulling out bright green packages that looked like bags of potato chips. Other boxes looked like they had fruits and vegetables and greens in them.
"Oh good... EATS!" said Ned and got up from the bench and walked as fast as he could over to the boxes. NervousMan noticed that the man had a limp but got around fairly quickly.
NervousMan cautiously got up and stepped slightly closer to the people with the boxes. What was this? What was going on?
A young woman gathered together bags of chips from several boxes, placing them in a larger box on one of the benches. A small group of people waited behind her and then another man appeared and put another box down next to the big box. He opened it up and inside there were carrots that looked like they had just come from the farm.
"Hi" said the woman who stood next to the large box. "I'm Jenny". She offered her hand.
"Hi" said NervousMan and looked down. Then he looked up. Then to the side.
"I was going to ask you if you're homeless but I don't think you are,"
"I have a place," said NervousMan. "I came out today".
NervousMan glanced over at Ned who was going through the boxes and humming a tune to himself. NervousMan felt nervous.
"Well, that's okay," said Jenny and turned back to the box. "Would you like some chips?" She held out a couple green bag of chips to NervousMan and smiled.
"Sure," said NervousMan.
"We're here every Saturday between 3 and 4. Come and join us if you like". Jenny smiled again.
"Okay," NervousMan said. He looked at the chips.
"...or help out if you want," Jenny said and smiled again.
"Okay," said NervousMan again softer and more dreamily. "Help out... help... out" he thought inside.
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